Dec 2, 2016

On getting your hopes high

     Things really have been shitty lately. The old feelings are coming back. I feel sad, and stressed, and disconnected, but mostly I feel like my head is just filled with white noise. And that's how I realized how high my hopes were. I wanted so much to be done with this feeling. I thought I was. I was really fucking dumb.
     I don't like to admit it, but goddamn, am I good at repressing my feelings. Well, until a certain point. If you interact with me on a daily basis, you won't have a clue that something might not be ok. Until I start crying uncontrollably during gym class that is. Because I can't even throw a fucking ball. So... that happened. 
     I work so fucking hard to not let my hopes get too high, because I know they'll be crushed. But then this kind of stuff happens and I realize how high my hopes where. 
     I realized how much I wanted to finally be happy when I was suddenly smashed by these fucking feelings again. I realized how much I wanted to have a normal family life when it seemed like it was going to happen and then my shitty father just went back to being his disgusting version of a father like I keep being reminded he is. Over and over again I realize how much I'm into this guy, every time he unknowingly stabs me in the heart. I realize how high my hopes where when I get a lower grade than I was expecting. I realize it when I look in the mirror and I'm reminded of how I actually look. I realize it when an oral presentation I really felt prepared for goes to shit because I just couldn't breathe. All the time, everywhere. 
     How do I stop this? It's like I'm set for disappointment. By now I should know that my life isn't a movie and that high expectations only lead to broken hearts.

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