Apr 15, 2018

Getting past the fear of commitment in a relationship, or in other words, stop pushing me 'cus I'll get there eventually

     So, a lot of people have commitment issues. My aunt told me once, in a conversation, that she too isn't very fond of commitment - my home-owning-in-a-relationship-for-15-years-mother-of-two-aunt. To me, this seems to prove that even people who have trouble with commitment aren't doomed to end up alone, in a messy rental room filled with the few things they could buy with the money they made in a variety of low paid jobs, because they could never actually decide on what carrier to pursue. This seems to prove that even us, commitment-phobes, can get there eventually.
     Now, when it comes to relationships, I imagine this can be quite hard to grasp if you're one of those people that jumps into commitment head first. Still, you must realize that what might seem like no big deal to you, might represent a really big fucking step to someone else. And if you don't quite get it, that's fine, but you still need to respect that.
     Let's talk about me now (how interesting, I know). When you (yeah, you know who you are, although you might never read this) told me that you needed to tell me something, I told you I knew, and that I wasn't ready, neither to hear it or to say it back. Hell, I told you from the beginning that this was an issue. I warned you from the beginning that when you wanted to say it, most likely I wouldn't be ready. You said you would wait for me, and I said that wasn't fair, and to myself I thought "what if I never get there? what if I just can't feel that way? about anyone?". I know you said I didn't have to, but I told you I wanted to be able to say it back. I said I wasn't comfortable. 
     And then you still said it. Over text, none the less. Even I know this is supposed to be said in person. And I wasn't fucking ready. I couldn't handle it, I had a fucking panic attack because I WASN'T READY. I don't even fucking know if I have any right to tell you to hold something like that to yourself. What I do know is that I wasn't ready and that it hurt both of us. Shouldn't I have a right to tell you I'm not ready to hear it? Even if I have no right whatsoever, is this fair? That I feel like the biggest bitch in the world for not saying it back? That you feel guilty for making me feel so anxious? That I can't look you in the eye? 
     I must be a robot, if I can't understand this overpowering need to tell someone you love them. I've never felt that way, but even with crushes I never said anything. Maybe I'm a master at hiding the way I feel. The point here being that I Just Don't Understand why you have to Say It to Feel It. Isn't this supposed to be something good? Why must you "come clean"? Why can't you just feel it?
     Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm a fucking robot and I just can't understand because I can't feel it. Maybe I never will. But I never liked someone in my life the way I like you. I trusted you. For fuck sake, how dramatic - I trust you still, obviously. But I feel cheated that you said it even though you knew it was going to upset me, and I feel so fucking selfish for not saying it back, and for not answering for so long. The thing is, I can't decide whether or not it's okay for me to be upset about this. 
     Am I just turning something beautiful into something ugly? 
     Are we both just unable to understand the way the other feels? 
     Will we ever be on the same page?
     Will we ever be okay? 
     Will I ever get there, or am I just gonna keep hurting you?

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